Year 9. 364th Day. At Midnight

Its never as good, or as bad as it seems

In school they would tell us a good place to start in writing something, is just getting thoughts on paper…….. one of many ways to start…. Never stop typing, you can put blah blah blah. But never stop.

So im going to try that with my thoughts, im going to rant… well a rant of sorts……..

Chocolate, talk with my dad, okay, ignore the chocolate, I was trying to think.

I had a conversation with my dad about how………… I have never found anyone like me. Someone who is driven and constantly trying, emphasis on trying, to do better. Because, like me, I expect no one to be a finished product…. In fact I rather you not be, one, because that’s intimidating to me. I feel like im not enough. And Two,…… I think there is always somewhere to improve. Mentally, spiritually,….. physically,……… intellectually, socially, every area of your life there is somewhere else to go. Funny thing about no one being perfect…..

But I feel like I have a problem, I just don’t know what it is yet…….. what I mean is I know something about my thinking is wrong, whether that be the fact that I have a certain expectation of others, or the fact that I have an expectation at all…… or it being, me being too hard on myself… or me not being hard enough on myself….. or me being arrogant…. Not being humble enough… or maybe the problem is me even thinking there is a problem to the way I think…………..

I don’t know exactly what it is, I wish a therapist would just tell me my problem. I heard someone say, therapist don’t just do that because its more impactful………… if you figure it out yourself……. But I promise I would take it to heart as my own thought. I know that’s crazy but I have a certain trust when it comes to physicians, not just doctors but counselors, any expert in any field, I assume they know more than me, because duh theyre experts for a reason, or rather they have those credidentials for a reason…………

I understand about being naïve and just blindly trusting, my dad taught me to question everything and everyone, including him. But who can you trust if you cant trust experrts like doctors and lawyers. Now I understand, some may not….. want to accept the information given, and somewhat I agree. You cannot internalize what others think of you, but you sure as hell can…….. explore the possibility, if it seems plausible. That’s the whole kit and kabootal right?.......... question everything but don’t be so closed off you accept nothing?

Any way back to my point. Something is wrong. I just don’t know what it is. Im getting more and more frustrated with my…… interactions with people….. and im normally pretty tolerant….. but idiocy I cannot be tolerant of, one of others, like meanness………………………………. But I do believe……………….not striving for more is people not being smart……… why wouldn’t you want to excel……. In every area of your life? Stagnation seems like a waste of your time and mine…… but that’s just it, theyre not wasting my time……… its my time, I should be………… focusing on myself…. What others do should not impact nor affect me….. but it does…. I care so much about others’ thoughts of me……… and theyre actions that I precieve affects me…. For instance, my boyfriend goes to work and goes to school, something I could never master, something I tried for 6 years…… but on his free time… he watches stupid youtube videos and plays video games. You know how many hours he wastes a day? I think the reason it annoys me so much is…… I …………….. am annoyed because he has the capability to achieve so much but doesn’t. and Me? With all the ambition in the world have achieved so little, but not from a lack of trying. Im irritated because I have tried and tried and cannot achieve what normal people can achieve……………………………………………………………………………………………………. despite all my efforts…. I feel like a failure and I look at others and despise the fact that if you tried you can achieve what I only dream about achieving…………………………………………………………………………………………………… but I am not a victim, everyone has their cross to bear, mine is no bigger or smaller than others. What I mean is to each person their cross seems huge despite how I would’ve handled it nor the next person. Their world is as big as the person living it……………………. I cannot say one thing is bigger than the other………….. because I will never have the same combination of experiences as that person. But dang it. It hurts, to feel so small. I am so convinced I will eclipse EVERYONE, not a doubt in my mind, its just going to take me 10 years where someone else can do it, most people can do it in 4……………………………………………………. I know itll be just that much sweeter, but…… I don’t want to accept my situation isn’t terrible………….. and I shouldn’t, just as I said, to me? Its terrible and its hard……… but that doesn’t mean I hang up my gloves. I keep fighting……….. I keep striving, because year 9, on the 364th day at midnight it’ll all be worth it.